Cooking Skills of Man

By Thorin N. Tatge

(To “Faith of Man” by Bill Staines)

D - G - / A - D - (x4)

There's a fellow with a cookbook in the kitchen

On his face he wears a flabbergasted frown.

For he's desperate and confused, and dearly wishin'

That his wife had not been summoned out of town.

He's committed to a fancy dinner party

But he doesn't have the first clue what to serve

So, because he wants his guests to all eat hearty,

He begins by grilling up some lime hors d'oeuvre.

G A D - / GD EmD A - / G A D G / Em A D -

And he wraps them in pistachios and bologna

And he adds a cup of Kellogg's Raisin Bran.

Then he stirs the whole mess up

In a nine-inch frying pan

And he trusts it to the Cooking Skills of Man.

Well, he's violating all the basic no-no's

And he's substituting applesauce for flour!

He stuffs the baked potatoes full of Ho-Hos

But even so, they wind up tasting sour.

Well, he tries to make a stir-fry without oilin'

Swaps tablespoons for teaspoons every time!

And he watches all the pots that don’t start boilin'

And his casseroles are caked with oven grime.

And he checks his cake about three times a minute

He’ll be doomed to get a pan of blackened dregs.

He’d try to make an omelette

Without cracking any eggs

And he’d blame it on the Cooking Skills of Man.

Well, he made himself a castor oil frittata

With a side of cherry bundtcake florentine.

And he made a giant seaweed enchilada

And he called it vegetarian cuisine.

He thought that he had cooked himself a winner

But the guests surveyed the spread suspiciously.

They took a few small bites out of their dinner

Then they cleared the room and ordered KFC.

So when life gives you a truckload full of lemons

And your efforts taste like salad from a can,

Just take the little that you know

And make a rutabaga flan

And leave the rest to the Cooking Skills of Man.

Just make a minestrone soup

Full of grapes and marzipan

And chalk it up to the Cooking Skills of Man.